You may or may not have noticed that I haven’t been posting blogs lately – I have been blogging, I just haven’t posted them yet because… THE SITARSKI CLAN IS EXPANDING, we are expecting our bundle of joy the end of September. If you know me you know that I’m not afraid to talk about what everyone else won’t and I may get some criticism for how open I am but if it gives just one person comfort, it’s worth it. Making a baby is hard. I mean I thought – we’re newlyweds, we love time in between the sheets but there is counting and when to go off the pill and should we have a baby in the winter conversations that have to be had. We decided to wait to go off the pill until after our honeymoon, actually my pack of pills ran out the night before the last day of the honeymoon and we threw the empty pack away together in the hotel waste basket and clinked our champagne glasses hopeful and scared.
I had been reading A LOT about it – the average couple takes about 5 months to get pregnant, I had been on the pill for 16 years (yeah, you read that right!) so I had no idea what would happen. I downloaded an app on my phone to start tracking my cycle – I had no idea if I had a 28 day cycle, a 32 day cycle, my pill had been dictating that for YEARS. January 15th I was supposed to get my period and it didn’t come. Since it was the first month ever off my pill I just counted the days until it came, I have to tell you those days are TOUGH! Do I drink? Do I go tanning? One day Bart came home with a 3 pack of pregnancy tests, a bottle of champs and a bottle of non alcoholic sparkling wine and said – take it and we will pop one of these bottles. It was negative. On January 21st I was now a week late, I woke up early and took a test and saw the faintest little pink line – I took a picture of the test to try to see it better. Bart had a big interview that day so I decided to wait until after work to tell him – that day was such a blur. After telling Bart and showing him the pic on my phone on the car ride home, he almost crashed the car. We stopped at target and got about 10 more tests and went home to see 10 more positives.
We were trying to wrap our heads around the news – neither of us ever thought it would happen so quickly. We had so many “what if we can’t conversations” it just seemed so surreal. And then…well… shit got real… on January 28th I started getting some sharp pains in my right side. Over the next couple days it got worse and worse so I called the doctor – they got me in for an ultrasound. They couldn’t find a fetal pull which is the baby before it is a fetus so the doctor told us it was really 50/50, they didn’t know how viable the pregnancy was and if I had terrible cramps or a lot of bleeding to call or else I would come back in for blood work to make sure my progesterone levels were increasing. They told me not to get too attached to the pregnancy. You know how people say “you look like you just saw a ghost”? I felt that way for days, I cried at the drop of a hat, I didn’t want to move around too much I was so so so so scared and fragile.
On Super Bowl Sunday it got scary – I woke up, used the restroom and there was so much blood, so many cramps and so so so much blood. I woke Bart up and told him it was gone, we called the doctor and she confirmed and said to come in for blood work and we will watch the levels go back to zero. It was gone… my baby was gone… I lost it, I was miserable. Oh and did I mention we were hosting a Super Bowl party that night? I knew in my heart it was gone but I decided not to drink until we had it confirmed. I talked to some friends and family members who had recently gone through similar situations all of which had great advice and I knew it would all be ok in the end.
So we went back in on Monday and gave blood, I got a call from my doctor and she said that my levels increased… WHAT?!?! INCREASED? She said not to get my hopes up and it just wasn’t all gone and to come back on Wednesday. Did I mention that I was still bleeding every single day? I was like – is this like slowly leaking out of me?!?!? Wednesday more blood work– this time the head of nursing took it personally and apologized for everything we were going through and asked about my mental state – my mental state?!?! I DON’T KNOW IF I HAVE A BABY INSIDE OF ME OR NOT… I’m doing great, thanks for asking! Got a call Wednesday night… my levels doubled which means I was getting more pregnant. She told me she would call me in the morning. That next morning she got together 2 midwives, an OBGYN and the head of sonography and they decided to bring me in to the big ultrasound machine and to see what was going on – I later found out they also had the “when do we call it” conversation. So I went in that day for an emergency ultrasound. Bart believed that whole time that baby was still in there – I did not, I felt empty and cold and like I needed to protect myself from that pain in my heart that I felt Super Bowl Sunday morning. The sonographer almost fell over when she saw a freaking heartbeat! She was shocked – she told us she expected to come in and call it and send me in for emergency surgery. We also noticed at this time that the gestational sac had an indentation in it. This is typically where the sac breaks apart and then there goes baby. We left with the same 50/50, don’t get too attached to this pregnancy messages and we will see you next week.
The next week came and we saw a different midwife, I really liked the other one but I needed a different outlook, a different opinion, someone to not tell me 50/50. Oh and incase I forgot to mention, I was still spotting every single day. We went in for the 7 week checkup and there was still a heartbeat and that abnormality to the sac was still there. See you in 2 weeks. We went in for our 9 week check up and baby was growing right on pace with a strong heartbeat, you know what else was growing? That imperfection in the sac! The sonographers think it could be where the placenta will grow but only time will tell. We left with the same – call us if there is heavy bleeding or we will see you at 12 weeks. I had stopped spotting at this time and I wanted to be so excited. It’s scary to not have all the answers – it’s scary to not have total control of the situation and know exactly what’s going on. I’m maybe the least patient person in the whole world and the last 9 weeks have been nothing but wait and see moments.
In preparation for our 12 week appointment, there is another decision that has to be made and that is if you want to do genetic testing. Our midwife sat down with us at both the 7 and 9 weeks appointments and analyzed it over and over again with us. To Bart I think this was a pretty easy decision, he knows how big of a worrier I am and not knowing would probably be better. To me this was a much more difficult conversation. So basically they do an ultrasound and blood work testing for 4 different things. They come back with a number, 1 in 50, 1 in 100, 1 in 500, 1 in 1000, etc. If it’s 1 in 50 they recommend additional testing that can be done in 2 different ways. The first is an amino where they stick a long needle into the sac where the baby is and pull out fluid – there is a risk of miscarriage when doing this (HELL NO, NOT HAPPENING you can keep your big long baby harming needles to yourself!) There is also a blood test that you can do to tell you the same results but I could not get a confirmation if it was covered under my insurance. Then if you get 1 in 100 or 1 in 500 they don’t do anything, you just lived with that number and hope for the best I guess. I decided I could live without knowing this number but what was really freaking me out is I won’t see the baby via ultrasound until 20 weeks unless they can’t find a heartbeat! 20 WEEKS… that’s 11 weeks from my week 9 appointment until my week 20 appointment with no eyes checking on this peanut. Now I know that there are lots of moms who have gone their entire pregnancy with one ultrasound but I have been looking at this fetus weekly and watch an abnormality grow along side of it, I want to see my baby and know that everything is ok. My midwife sternly told me not to do the genetic testing only for an ultrasound… maybe I shouldn’t be so honest next time J. In the end we opted not to do the genetic testing, I’m still not 100% sold on it but it’s the decision we made and what was right for us.
I know this has been a long post and it’s been extremely personal and if you’re still with me, I appreciate you reliving this journey with me. We had our 12 week appointment and I’m so happy to say that it went really well. I came prepared with my questions to be answered and learned all sorts of tidbits of knowledge. We decided not to do the genetic testing so our midwife pulled out the Doppler. I quickly reminded her how much I was hoping she had to pull out the ultrasound machine and after a couple seconds of searching for the heartbeat, she did just that! We got to see the little peanut only briefly but we saw the little arms and hands and legs and feet and a BIG HEAD! It was amazing! The imperfection in the sac seemed to turn into the placenta and the midwife had nothing but good things to say about our progress. I feel like I can breathe a little. I feel like I can be excited now. I know there are still so many things we will have to learn and go through in the next 7 months but it feels good to say we made it to the 12 week mark!
I can’t write this entire story without talking about how amazing my husband is. Every single day I’m reminded why we chose each other and how very lucky I am. Bart has dealt with the crying, anxiety, moodiness, irrational worries, sleepless nights and gas (sorry but it’s true!) I love that man so much and really appreciate everything he does for us J.
