Hiding the bump

One of the hardest parts of the first trimester, other than keeping from puking or napping under your desk at work is hiding the bump.  That silly little hormone called progestrone makes your belly nice and puffy for WEEKS making you look pregnant well before you want anyone to notice.  I struggled big time with this.  I had spent an entire year fasting to fit in my size-too-small wedding dress.  After going down sizes and neglecting carbs, it was time to embrace the new body.  I literally had nothing that fit me within a couple of weeks and had to make the best of what I had. 

Here were some of my wardrobe choices.  I hope this helps you if you in the process of hiding that progestrone filled bump.  As you can tell... cardigans were my best friend!

This shirt no longer fits me :-( 

                       I promise I changed my shoes when I got to work!

 This is what I wore out for St. Patty's day... very different than my attire in the past but I made it work.

Happy hiding!!!  While this was a fun journey - I'm excited to embrace the bump and wear some much more comfortable clothing!!!

Love Marriage Baby

You may or may not have noticed that I haven’t been posting blogs lately – I have been blogging, I just haven’t posted them yet because… THE SITARSKI CLAN IS EXPANDING, we are expecting our bundle of joy the end of September.  If you know me you know that I’m not afraid to talk about what everyone else won’t and I may get some criticism for how open I am but if it gives just one person comfort, it’s worth it.  Making a baby is hard.  I mean I thought – we’re newlyweds, we love time in between the sheets but there is counting and when to go off the pill and should we have a baby in the winter conversations that have to be had.  We decided to wait to go off the pill until after our honeymoon, actually my pack of pills ran out the night before the last day of the honeymoon and we threw the empty pack away together in the hotel waste basket and clinked our champagne glasses hopeful and scared. 

I had been reading A LOT about it – the average couple takes about 5 months to get pregnant, I had been on the pill for 16 years (yeah, you read that right!) so I had no idea what would happen.  I downloaded an app on my phone to start tracking my cycle – I had no idea if I had a 28 day cycle, a 32 day cycle, my pill had been dictating that for YEARS.  January 15^th I was supposed to get my period and it didn’t come.  Since it was the first month ever off my pill I just counted the days until it came, I have to tell you those days are TOUGH!  Do I drink?  Do I go tanning?   One day Bart came home with a 3 pack of pregnancy tests, a bottle of champs and a bottle of non alcoholic sparkling wine and said – take it and we will pop one of these bottles.  It was negative.  On January 21^st I was now a week late, I woke up early and took a test and saw the faintest little pink line – I took a picture of the test to try to see it better.  Bart had a big interview that day so I decided to wait until after work to tell him – that day was such a blur.  After telling Bart and showing him the pic on my phone on the car ride home, he almost crashed the car.  We stopped at target and got about 10 more tests and went home to see 10 more positives.

We were trying to wrap our heads around the news – neither of us ever thought it would happen so quickly.  We had so many “what if we can’t conversations” it just seemed so surreal.  And then…well… shit got real… on January 28^th I started getting some sharp pains in my right side.  Over the next couple days it got worse and worse so I called the doctor – they got me in for an ultrasound.  They couldn’t find a fetal pull which is the baby before it is a fetus so the doctor told us it was really 50/50, they didn’t know how viable the pregnancy was and if I had terrible cramps or a lot of bleeding to call or else I would come back in for blood work to make sure my progesterone levels were increasing.  They told me not to get too attached to the pregnancy.  You know how people say “you look like you just saw a ghost”?  I felt that way for days, I cried at the drop of a hat, I didn’t want to move around too much I was so so so so scared and fragile. 

On Super Bowl Sunday it got scary – I woke up, used the restroom and there was so much blood, so many cramps and so so so much blood.  I woke Bart up and told him it was gone, we called the doctor and she confirmed and said to come in for blood work and we will watch the levels go back to zero.  It was gone… my baby was gone… I lost it, I was miserable.  Oh and did I mention we were hosting a Super Bowl party that night?  I knew in my heart it was gone but I decided not to drink until we had it confirmed.  I talked to some friends and family members who had recently gone through similar situations all of which had great advice and I knew it would all be ok in the end.

So we went back in on Monday and gave blood, I got a call from my doctor and she said that my levels increased… WHAT?!?!  INCREASED?  She said not to get my hopes up and it just wasn’t all gone and to come back on Wednesday.  Did I mention that I was still bleeding every single day?  I was like – is this like slowly leaking out of me?!?!?  Wednesday more blood work– this time the head of nursing took it personally and apologized for everything we were going through and asked about my mental state – my mental state?!?!  I DON’T KNOW IF I HAVE A BABY INSIDE OF ME OR NOT… I’m doing great, thanks for asking!  Got a call Wednesday night… my levels doubled which means I was getting more pregnant.  She told me she would call me in the morning.  That next morning she got together 2 midwives, an OBGYN and the head of sonography and they decided to bring me in to the big ultrasound machine and to see what was going on – I later found out they also had the “when do we call it” conversation.  So I went in that day for an emergency ultrasound.  Bart believed that whole time that baby was still in there – I did not, I felt empty and cold and like I needed to protect myself from that pain in my heart that I felt Super Bowl Sunday morning.  The sonographer almost fell over when she saw a freaking heartbeat!  She was shocked – she told us she expected to come in and call it and send me in for emergency surgery.  We also noticed at this time that the gestational sac had an indentation in it.  This is typically where the sac breaks apart and then there goes baby.  We left with the same 50/50, don’t get too attached to this pregnancy messages and we will see you next week.

The next week came and we saw a different midwife, I really liked the other one but I needed a different outlook, a different opinion, someone to not tell me 50/50.  Oh and incase I forgot to mention, I was still spotting every single day.  We went in for the 7 week checkup and there was still a heartbeat and that abnormality to the sac was still there.  See you in 2 weeks.  We went in for our 9 week check up and baby was growing right on pace with a strong heartbeat, you know what else was growing?  That imperfection in the sac! The sonographers think it could be where the placenta will grow but only time will tell.  We left with the same – call us if there is heavy bleeding or we will see you at 12 weeks. I had stopped spotting at this time and I wanted to be so excited.  It’s scary to not have all the answers – it’s scary to not have total control of the situation and know exactly what’s going on.  I’m maybe the least patient person in the whole world and the last 9 weeks have been nothing but wait and see moments.

In preparation for our 12 week appointment, there is another decision that has to be made and that is if you want to do genetic testing.  Our midwife sat down with us at both the 7 and 9 weeks appointments and analyzed it over and over again with us.  To Bart I think this was a pretty easy decision, he knows how big of a worrier I am and not knowing would probably be better.  To me this was a much more difficult conversation.  So basically they do an ultrasound and blood work testing for 4 different things.  They come back with a number, 1 in 50, 1 in 100, 1 in 500, 1 in 1000, etc.  If it’s 1 in 50 they recommend additional testing that can be done in 2 different ways.  The first is an amino where they stick a long needle into the sac where the baby is and pull out fluid – there is a risk of miscarriage when doing this (HELL NO, NOT HAPPENING you can keep your big long baby harming needles to yourself!)  There is also a blood test that you can do to tell you the same results but I could not get a confirmation if it was covered under my insurance.  Then if you get 1 in 100 or 1 in 500 they don’t do anything, you just lived with that number and hope for the best I guess.  I decided I could live without knowing this number but what was really freaking me out is I won’t see the baby via ultrasound until 20 weeks unless they can’t find a heartbeat!  20 WEEKS… that’s 11 weeks from my week 9 appointment until my week 20 appointment with no eyes checking on this peanut.  Now I know that there are lots of moms who have gone their entire pregnancy with one ultrasound but I have been looking at this fetus weekly and watch an abnormality grow along side of it, I want to see my baby and know that everything is ok.  My midwife sternly told me not to do the genetic testing only for an ultrasound… maybe I shouldn’t be so honest next time J.  In the end we opted not to do the genetic testing, I’m still not 100% sold on it but it’s the decision we made and what was right for us.

I know this has been a long post and it’s been extremely personal and if you’re still with me, I appreciate you reliving this journey with me.   We had our 12 week appointment and I’m so happy to say that it went really well.  I came prepared with my questions to be answered and learned all sorts of tidbits of knowledge.  We decided not to do the genetic testing so our midwife pulled out the Doppler.  I quickly reminded her how much I was hoping she had to pull out the ultrasound machine and after a couple seconds of searching for the heartbeat, she did just that!  We got to see the little peanut only briefly but we saw the little arms and hands and legs and feet and a BIG HEAD!  It was amazing!  The imperfection in the sac seemed to turn into the placenta and the midwife had nothing but good things to say about our progress.  I feel like I can breathe a little.  I feel like I can be excited now.  I know there are still so many things we will have to learn and go through in the next 7 months but it feels good to say we made it to the 12 week mark! 

I can’t write this entire story without talking about how amazing my husband is.  Every single day I’m reminded why we chose each other and how very lucky I am.  Bart has dealt with the crying, anxiety, moodiness, irrational worries, sleepless nights and gas (sorry but it’s true!)  I love that man so much and really appreciate everything he does for us J.

Week 10

Date: 3/4/13

How far along? 10 Weeks

Baby is the size of a: Prune

Symptoms:  Haven’t changed much – I have a little more energy this week than last, still moody and irritable (as Bart just reminded me) and if I don’t eat every couple of hours I get nauseous

Sleep: I've been sleeping pretty good, if I don’t sleep with my maternity pillow I wake up to a really sore back and hips

Anything Making Me Queasy or Sick: As long as I eat something every couple hours, I’m ok – I get nauseous when I’m hungry.

What I miss: Wine.  We went out to dinner and I asked the bartender if he could make me a non-alcoholic glass of Kim Crawford – he said he could drink it and give me an empty glass.  Sad Face.

Weddings Rings On or Off: On

Movement: No baby movement for awhile L

Maternity Clothes: I’m in full on hide the bump mode.  I went to Gap Outlet and NY&Co and bought some flowy shirts to hide this growing bump.  I just feel kind of fat and think everyone things I’m adding on the married lbs L.

Labor Signs: Thank god no!

Best Moment of the Week:  Going to the doctor last Friday, we got to see the baby and know that everything is growing and the heartbeat is good.  The imperfection in the gestational sac is also growing but not enough to worry the sonographers.  We won’t get to see the baby again until Week 20 unless we can’t find a heart beat at the 12 or 16 week appointments.

What I’m excited about/looking forward to: Ramping up my exercise again, feeling very sluggish and soft.  

Week 9

Date: 2/25/14

How far along? 9 Weeks

Baby is the size of a: Green Olive

Symptoms: Dizzy, moody, nauseous when I don’t eat, spotting stopped about 5 days ago (WOOHOO).  I had my first experience with some terrible gas pains/heart burn, about 6 tums later I felt almost normal again.

Sleep: Not terrible except when I get up to pee I don’t usually fall back asleep – which is fine when its 5am but not as great when it’s 2:30am

Anything Making Me Queasy or Sick: Same as last week - as long as I eat something every couple hours, I’m ok – I get super nauseous when I’m hungry.

What I miss: My new size smaller jeans – I wore them the other day and I was in so much pain by the end of the day it was miserable.

Weddings Rings On or Off: On

Movement: No baby movement for awhile

Maternity Clothes: Nothing new – I have one size bigger clothes that I’m going to pull out soon!

Best Moment of the Week:  The first day I didn’t spot all day – Bart and I literally high-fived and I think I jumped up and down.

What I’m excited about/looking forward to: I GET TO SEE THE BABY ON FRIDAY… only 3 more sleeps and I get to see the bambino!!!  

Week 8

Date: 2/18/14

How far along? 8 Weeks

Baby is the size of a: Large Raspberry

Total weight gain/loss: I think about 3 lbs (I’m going to have to weigh myself one of these days…)

Symptoms: Tired, nauseous, moody (sorry Bart!), still spotting (sorry for the TMI)

Sleep: The last couple days have been terrible but overall since this is the first time I’m off ambien in 4 years, overall we’re doing pretty good.

Anything Making Me Queasy or Sick: As long as I eat something every couple hours, I’m ok – I get super nauseous when I’m hungry

What I miss: Wine!  It’s national wine drinking day and I can’t have any... sad face

Weddings Rings On or Off: On

Movement: Does gas count?  No baby movement for awhile L

Maternity Clothes: I bought a belly band because my jeans are starting to get tight but I haven’t worn it yet.  I have one maternity tank top that is still too big but it’s what is in the bump pics

Best Moment of the Week:  Going to the doctor on the 13^th and seeing that the baby is progressing and has little arm/leg numbs – baby looks like a little marshmallow man (or woman)

What I’m excited about/looking forward to: the 10 week appointment to see the baby again – at this point we just want to make it to every doctor appointment, really hoping that the gestational sac is smoothing out and looking more normal, praying it’s strong enough to hold the bambino.

Wedding Weekend = Best.Party.Ever

Our wedding weekend was one of the best weekends of my entire life.  Looking back, I remember bits and pieces of it and want to document what I can remember before I forget every little detail.  So here goes... buckle up, this may be a long one...

Work was really really stressful the week before the wedding.  Like mental breakdown, Monica is a raging crazy person, almost crying in front of your boss kind of stressful.  I've never been so relieved for a vacation in my life.  I just had to get through the wedding and we were home free to the lovely St. Lucia.

Thursday started off with my last kickboxing workout pre-wedding.  I seriously think that kickboxing is what keeps me sane (and helped me to fit into my size-too-small wedding dress).  Bart and I finished up a bunch of errands and had a lovely dinner at Kai Zan - our favorite sushi restaurant.  Here is my last chance workout:

Friday we headed out to Grayslake to decorate.  I decided the only people I wanted to help that day was Mom, Joe and Bart - that way if I turned into a crazy lunatic bridezilla, the people that were around me would love me no matter what.  We got the entire barn decorated in about 4 hours.  Mom, Joe and Bart hung all the lights - Bart learned a couple of new things about how many lights you can string together and if you step on a bulb it will break.  I decorated all of the tables.  We had a few vendors stop in and all in all it went really smoothly.  We celebrated our decorating success with lunch and a couple drinks before we headed back to the hotel to get ready for the rehearsal.  Some decorating pics:

 The tables pre-flowers

 Our sweetheart table

Having a wedding in December, you always worry a little about the weather.  Our guests from Iowa, Wisconsin and Illinois had no issues making it there.  However, the people from Texas and Missouri (all 5 of which were a part of the wedding) had trouble getting in.  So my cousins, brother, sister-in-law and nephew were a TBD.  Also, our vocalist, my sweet friend Leah had just finished her treatments the Monday before and was having a hard time finding a ride.  I wasn't sure who was all going to make it and who wasn't.  I'm really proud to say that the first ones to arrive were the GROOMSMEN - who knew?!?!  Also - we had a little time before everyone got there with our officiant and good friend, Izik, to work through the little details.  People started to arrive and we were ready to rehearse.  I was good going through the schedule and where everyone was supposed to be and when (don't worry I had binders or handouts for each person and extra copies for the rooms - I mean I would have tattooed the schedule on everyone's wrist if they would have let me).  

Then it came time to walk down the aisle.  My big brother was walking me down the aisle and if you were paying attention you would have noticed that he was still TBD.  I can't begin to explain the feeling of walking down that aisle alone at the rehearsal.  I know brides do it all the time, and you can call me weak, but walking down that aisle by myself was the worst feeling ever - I just kept thinking I can't do this tomorrow - Josh HAS to be here - what am I going to do - I can't do this myself.  On top of that I got a lot of "slow down, do it again, you have to stop here, pause there, etc etc etc.  Then my sweet friend Leah - how do I begin to explain this part of the story?  Leah has one of those voices that you hear and it immediately brings tears to your eyes.  And she sang... LORD did she sing... (oh did I mention that she made it?)  Knowing everything she has been through this year and what she went through to get there - it was sooo overwhelming.  So I headed towards the back for my second attempt down that aisle (I made my step dad, Joe, stand in this time) and I just lost it.  Uncontrollably crying, sobbing, can't stand up or breathe crying.  After that little meltdown - we finished and went to dinner.  Half way through dinner my brother, nephew and SIL walked in the door.  10,000 lbs of weight was lifted and I could breathe again.

We headed back to the hotel and my MOH Crissy and I spent the night in my room.  This is our little tradition - the night before her wedding we did the same thing.  Crissy is my forever friend.  We have been friends our whole lives and will be for the rest of our lives - she is the bestest friend I could ever have.

The morning of the wedding we got up and headed to the salon where we spent WAY too many hours getting our hair and make up done.  It was so great to have Mom, Crissy and Alice with me - they kept my champagne glass full and kept me entertained.  Everyone looked beautiful!

 Before

 After

We got back to the hotel to get ready - our awesome photographer arrived and he took pictures of our dresses.  It was all pretty chill and I was surrounded by my Mom, bridesmaids and Lauren.  Everyone just wanted to take care of everything and make it easy.  People usually have one dramatic story from their wedding day - we really didn't.  Everyone was just kind of awesome.  And again...the groomsmen were exactly where they were supposed to be on time and sober!  

We had our "first look" coming off the elevator - its was kind of weird, at first I was really disappointed because it was supposed to be just us but then I saw Bart (who looked AMAZING) and he was completely tearing up.  It was adorable and again pretty weird b/c there were like 20 people staring at us.  I was really nervous about Bart liking my dress - we were watching TV one day and he goes "I hate those big poofy wedding dresses"... well.. mine was pretty large and in charge. But he said it was the perfect Monica dress so all was wonderful.  

The bridal party loaded into the limo and we drove around taking pictures.  Everyone was in good spirits - we got some good pictures, froze our asses off and make a stop to get some rumchatta for wedding party shots.  

We got to the barn and the bridal party went to line up - Josh and I stayed in the limo.  If you refer back to the day prior where I was a MESS walking down that aisle, this was the exact opposite.  We were laughing and making fun of people (not you I promise).  Walking down the aisle was fun and relaxed and exactly how I wanted it.  My big brother will never stop being there for me - it continued on my wedding day. 

The vows... oh the vows...  We had worked with Izik on our vows and they couldn't have been more perfect.  Izik had such a fun and calming demeanor that just made it so easy.  Sweet Anna did a great job with her reading.  I got to the last line of my last vow and Bart started tearing up again, then of course I started tearing up... I got that lump in my throat where anything you say next is going to come out weird - Izik handed us both tissues and we took a minute to compose ourselves.  As I got ready to speak all I could do is say "I'm going to squeak"  well I had a microphone in front of me so people found that a little humorous.  But it broke the ice so I could finish my "I promise to make you proud".  We kissed and were officially husband and wife.  Oh and Ms. Leah and her singing - I literally had to block her out to not cry.  My one regret - not getting someone to video the ceremony :-(.

The reception was amazing - the best party I've ever thrown.  My mom, MOH, Best man and FIL made speeches that were amazing - that's always my favorite part of the wedding b/c typically the best man crushes the speech, but ours did wonderful.  I danced all night long and shook my "bustle booty".  My friend James brought me a glass of wine every time he went and got a beer - I was soooo thirsty from all the dancing that they went down so easy... maybe too easy.  Lots of wine and not a lot of food make for an interesting combination.  The music was awesome - the photo booth was a big hit (I could write a blog on that alone), the only thing that pissed me off was the bartender (I could also write an entire blog on that).  

 Loved the last minute up-lighting decision!

This is my favorite picture of the cousins.  I'm so so so happy they all made it to celebrate with us.  These are some of my favorite people in the universe.

One of the best parts of the day was Bart and I went back to the hotel room and talked for about two hours and just rehashed every moment of the day.  I'm so freaking excited to have him as my husband and to be his wife.  He is my best friend and the man I want forever with.  I'm the lucky one!

I couldn't talk about our wedding day if I didn't mention my parents.  I can't even begin to thank Mom and Joe enough for everything they did for us.  The entire wedding wouldn't have been as special or fun or as amazing without them.  Everything from making signs, to making table runners. to decorating, planning every single detail, the family meetings over budgets, listening to me review every single detail again 100x until it felt like the right plate or candle or set of lights... Thank you Mom and Joe!  Best. Party. Ever.

Thanks for hanging in there until the end.  I'm sure I'll remember 100 little things that I wished I would have added.  Cheers to the next 75 years!!

Showered with love

Months ago my MOH asked me what I wanted to do for my bridal shower and bachelorette party, I think I responded with "Chicago" and "wine".  The shower concept is kind of weird to me - I mean isn't the wedding enough of people showering us with gifts and attention?  Do I really deserve another entire day?  I was cautiously optimistic about the whole concept but it felt weird.  I like to be the one planning and executing, I like to do this stuff for others and the thought of others doing it for me made me frankly a little uncomfortable.  I obviously had zero idea of how absolutely amazing the weekend would be... be ready for some exclamation marks and gushing because it was one weekend I will never ever forget!

Mom, Crissy and Alice came to Chicago on Friday.  We started on the wedding seating chart, did a little shopping, watched a movie and went to dinner.  They surprised me with a book they made for me where my family/wedding party wrote letters to me and submitted pictures - Oh man was I a big pile of emotions reading that!  What a beautiful surprise!

 With my wonderful friend and Maid of Honor - Crissy.

 Mom and I.

With my sister in law, Alice.

Dinner was wonderful and we got to catch up and spend some time together.  Saturday morning we got ready, went for brunch and headed over to prepare for the shower.

My friend Allison offered to host the shower at her house.  Between the decorations and treats and food and wine, it was my kind of party!  Allison was even sweet enough to hire Cory, he was there to educate us about wine and keep our glasses full.  He was a wonderful surprise!  Every put in so much time and effort and made this day so special!  I know more people helped than I even know about - so thank you to you all!!

 My family traveled from Iowa and Missouri to be there.  I really appreciate them so much!

Aunt Shelley, Aunt Kelly, Grandma Rosie, Mom and Alice.

 Have I mentioned how much I love my momma?  Isn't she so pretty? 

 The wine set up... or as I like to call it... HEAVEN

 The family listening to Cory talk about wine... more heaven!

 Ok I LOVE LOVE LOVE me a monogram!!  Courtland made these cookies - so ADORABLE!

 Allison and Crissy - I think between these two girls - they could run the world!  I really appreciate you Crissy for all your planning and everything you did for the weekend - BEST MOH EVER!  Allison - thank you for making this such a memorable day!

 So for Crissy's shower I made her play a game where I asked Jeff 10 questions and then asked them to Crissy, for every one she got wrong she had to put a piece of bubble gum in and chew it - like not a stick of gum, those BIG chunks... well it was pay back!!  Thank GOD I only got 3 wrong! 

 Bart's cousin got me this hat - it says "I love my polish husband"!  It is so freaking cute!  I love that girl!  Oh and Bart loves this picture even though I look like a chunky monkey!!

 Stephanie, Elvin and Crystal.  I loved seeing friends who didn't know many people meeting new people and making new friends.  This is going to be even more fun for the wedding!

 Kristine and Cristie :-)

 My future MIL :-).  My soon to be aunt was also in attendance but I missed a photo op with her :-(.  They also traveled to be there!

 Sweet Chelsea!  I told the story at my shower but it's funny because Chelsea is one of Bart's friends and you never know when you meet your man's female friends - but Chelsea and her husband and babies have been so welcoming and great to us!

Nancy and Jenn - these are two of the funnest girls I know - both laugh and have so much fun all the time!  Just being around them makes me happy. 

As I was opening gifts, I kept thinking how lucky I was.  All of these people that I love in one room, here for me.  People traveled and took time away from their families just to make my day special.  I don't think you really realize the overwhelming feeling until you're in that situation.  I was not prepared for the emotion of it all but I will tell you it made me even 100x more excited for the wedding.  The shower went by so fast I don't know if I talked to everyone or got pictures with everyone but it's a good reminder for the wedding day and that it's going to go so fast and I need to take that same moment to just feel - feel the emotion, feel the love and just remember every second of it.

Next, a quick wardrobe change and off to the bachelorette party... (sappy time over)...

 Dinner at Mastros

 I think I drank the equivelant of all those bottles of champs combined :-( :-( :-(

 This pic is amazing

 Amazing pic of Elvin - terrible of yours truly 

 At red head piano bar - got the VP area - it was so so so fun!!  

And change your pose...

By far one of the best days of my life.  I cannot thank everyone enough for making the weekend so wonderful!  From the traveling to decorating to planning to baking to appetizer making to showering me with love - a weekend I will never forget.  

I love all you ladies so much - can't wait for the wedding!!!